Roadkill Goanna

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Phone books are our cultural heritage, say police


VICTORIAN police today expressed anger at the top brass's decision to ban the use of telephone books as an interrogation aid.

The police union threatened industrial action in the wake of the wake of the shock decision, issuing a statement saying "This baffling decree by an increasingly out-of-touch force command doesn't just handcuff our members - it wraps them in a blanket and beats them with a footy sock full of cricket balls."

Former Ferret Squad detective Peter Ploddart said the decision to ban the use of phone books in forced confession was "a bloody disgrace".

"Giving a crook a proper flogging is part of the policeman's cultural heritage," he said. "Telling a copper that he can't use a telephone book for anything other than looking up phone numbers is akin to telling a Japanese he can't eat whale or an Aborigine he can't eat dugong.

"Coppering has changed a lot since my day - and not for the better, I'll give you the tip. It all started to go downhill when they split the Yellow Pages into A-K and L-Z. It's never been the same since."

But Ploddart, who played a key role in the investigation of the infamous Great Bookie Robbery and Ferret Gunk Heist, said that police were by nature both ingenious and disingenuous and would find ways to work around the ban, perhaps by beating suspects with a length of garden hose.

"Yep, just cut off a length of the old Nylex and bring it in to work and you'll be having those scrotes putting their hands up to whatever you want to lumber them with," he said. "Any other coppers reading this can get me on the blower (telephone) and I'll give 'em a few other pointers to be going on with. Don't you worry about that."

A Victoria Police spokeswoman said that the use of phone books had not been banned entirely, as detectives could still use them as a pillow when sleeping off a big night on the turps under their desks.


  • There's always the tried-and-true method of flogging your friendly felon with a bag of oranges, although I guess it depends on how corpulent one's copper is. Those things are bloody heavy. The bags o'fruit, not the coppers. Although they're pretty heavy too. Maybe they could just flog the felons with one another? Hey, that doesn't sound right at all...

    By Anonymous Confused P. Crabjuice, At 4:15 PM  

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