White House releases approved dictators list
WASHINGTON, Day Effay, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK)
EGYPTIAN military strongman Hosni Mubarak (pictured) and Pakistan's late-night US talk-show mainstay Pervez Musharraf topped the list of acceptable non-democratic autocrats in this week's official White House rankings.
Mubarak leapt to number one (with a bullet for each apprehended member of the Muslim Brotherhood) after fellow military man Musharraf relinquished his top spot on account of his appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart having drawn too much attention to Afghanistan for the US administration's liking.
Holding steady at No. 3 on the list was KGB heavyweight turned Russian president Vladimir Putin, with Uzbekistani kingpin Islam Karimov at No. 4 because he doesn't rock the boat and nobody even remembers that massacre in Andijan last year. No. 5 was Turkmenistan's President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov, because nobody even knows where that nightmarish little shithole is.
White House spokesman Tony Snow, who remains an administration mouthpiece despite having left Fox News, said that in the wake of the apparent low-rent nuclear test by dumpy androgynous North Korean nutbag Kim Jong-il, US President George Bush felt that it was important to make abundantly clear who's hot and who's not.
"Pervez -- or the Pervmeister, as we like to call him -- has been a favourite of ours for a long time, but this week Hosni has hit No. 1 for the simple reason that he knows how to keep his mouth shut," Snow said.
Snow left the door ajar for Syrian President Bashar Assad to rejoin the hit parade, provided he "stop being such a pussy about Lebanon and open the bloodgates, I mean floodgates, for extraordinary rendition flights again."
US De Facto Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said today's chart-toppers were a pale shadow of the seminal acts that topped the charts in his heyday.
"Ngo Dinh Diem -- now there was a Viet you could take to the bank," he said. "(Anastasio) Somoza (Garcia)? Like FDR said: 'He may be a son of a bitch but he's our son of a bitch.' Never been a Nicaraguan like him since.
"And (General Augusto) Pinochet? When that guy said he was going to get his secret police to wedge the trade unionists' heads under the fire-escape steps at the soccer stadium and jump on their backs to break their necks, you could sleep like a baby knowing that he'd do it."