Roadkill Goanna

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

National Piss in the Sink Week Launched


WITH great swaths of Australia in the tightening grip of tightening water restrictions, the nation's first official Piss in The Sink Week was officially launched by potato farmer and former AFL footballer Danny Frawley at his property near Ballarat yesterday.

"Just have a look at this bloody place, wouldya?" said the former St Kilda full-back (pictured) as he kicked up a photogenic cloud of dust in a dessicated paddock that as recently as last year supplied potatoes to 15 local fish'n'chip shops. "It looks like bloody Darfur."

With dams in the Ballarat district currently less than .04 per cent full -- slightly less than the legal blood-alcohol limit and significantly less full than the average local driver -- Frawley said the time had come to stop wasting Australia's most precious resource (children ran a distant second in recent polls) and "bite the bullet and piss in the sink".

"Let's face it," Frawley said. "Once you break the seal (urinate for the first time during a heavy drinking session) you're going for a slash every five minutes. And if you're flushing the dunny every five minutes you may as well be flushing the whole bloody country down the septic tank as far as I'm concerned.

"The only way out, if you ask me, is to piss in the sink. It's usually closer to the fridge anyway."

Frawley dismissed as "half-cocked" traditional Australian water conservation tactics such as putting a housebrick in the toilet cistern and re-routing water from the washing machine onto the garden.

"You might as well be farting into Cyclone Tracy if that's all you're going to do," he said.
Frawley, who played at least 200 and probably 300 games for St Kilda during a predictably doomed couple of decades for the club, said he had not been discouraged by the failure of his last water-saving venture, last year's Only Flush for Henry Month.

"Now that was a sound idea," he said. "The science behind it couldn't be faulted. If you give the flush a miss when you're only pointing Percy at the porcelain, and you only flush when you've dropped a Henry the Third (turd), you're bound to save water, no worries about that.

"Only problem was that the missus didn't like it."

Virgin Kalimdor announces one-copper flights to Ogrimmar


GIMMICK-HAPPY budget airline Virgin Kalimdor today attempted to muscle in on the lucrative Eastern Kingdoms air routes by announcing one-copper airfares to the Orcish capital of Ogrimmar.

But the airline walked face-first into a polearm of controversy when leaked company documents revealed that the board of directors had mandated the racial profiling of Orcs, Trolls, Taurens (pictured) and the Undead as possible terrorist risks.

Outraged Orc chieftan Thrall immediately decreed an Orc boycott of Virgin Kalimdor, saying that "this kind of atavistic racism should have died back in the Age of the Old Gods".

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character," he said.

"It's not easy being green," he added, casually polishing a varnished Elf skull.

Virgin Kalimdor spokesbeard Richard Branson attempted to hose down the controversy, saying: "The important point here is that Virgin has the newest, most comfortable fleet of zeppelins in the realm. And what can one copper piece buy you these days? It doesn't even go half-way towards a single slice of Dalaran sharp."

Hin Denburg, a spokesgoblin for rival airline Venture Co. Airways, said that Virgin Kalimdor had "stuck its foot in its mouth and bitten it off".

"Venture Co. is proud to provide world-class services to characters of all races, classes and trade specialities," he said. "And we don't cut corners by making our Undead brethren travel in the cargo hold just because they don't feel the cold.

"It's also worth reiterating that our zeppelins are actually free. You'd be an idiot to yourself to spend even a quarter of a copper flying Virgin."