Roadkill Goanna

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Prince Charles: "I say! Pakistan's a bit of a rum show, wot?"


HIS Royal Highness, The Prince of Wales, Duke of Rothesay and Duke of Cornwall, has expressed his displeasure at circumstances having made it incumbent upon him to reconsider a holiday sojourn to Pakistan's troubled North-West Frontier Province (pictured).

The province, part of Afghanistan that was annexed with much difficulty by the British during the "Great Game" with Russia back in the day, is pretty much going beserk after a helicopter strike by Pakistan's US-backed military junta, acting on a tip from US intelligence agencies, killed 80 people -- that's right, it killed 80 people -- at an Islamic school, just in case there were some kind of al-Qaeda kind of characters hanging about.

"I say!" said the prince, in an uncharacteristically caddish turn of phrase. "Pakistan's a bit of a rum show, wot?

"It's all a jot rather uncouth, if one asks one. Honestly, one would think that the place had never been part of British India at all. One's country has given these chaps the railways and cricket and spotted dick, and what is one's reward? One's average Pakistani appears to be no more grateful than one's average Irishman.

"That said, one knows that Pakistan has had its problems, most recently with that entirely unseemly Shoaib affair."

The Prince, more (and rather) commonly known to his adoring, cheeky, chirpy Cockney readers of the London Sun as "Prince Charles", "Charlie" or "Chas", was referring to the recent kerfuffle about broken-down nightclub habitue and now-former Pakistani cricketer Shoaib Akhtar having been turfed out of some Mickey Mouse one-day tournament in India for having taken non-recreational drugs.

Australia will probably win the tournament, though it will be quite funny if they don't. Unless South Africa wins.

"Jolly hockey sticks!" the prince continued. "Where shall Camilla and I go now?"

The prince was referring to his new wife, Camilla Parker-Bowles, who he had been shagging behind Lady Di's back the whole time.

A spokesman for St James Palace, which is where the Prince lives -- just follow your nose to the rotting bouquets people keep leaving for Lady Di -- said that the royal couple was now thinking about visiting the Jaffna Peninsula in Sri Lanka.

In an ironic twist, St James is known in the Spanish language as "Santiago Matamoros" ("St James the Moor Slayer").

In an even more ironic twist (in the Alanis Morissette sense, at least), the Jaffna Peninsula is something of an epicentre of the bloody civil war that has fucked Sri Lanka for decades, what with it being a heartland of the ethnic Tamil people, who were imported from India by the British to work the tea plantations and who have since been engaged in a death struggle with the majority indigenous Sinhalese.

In other cricket news, England has somehow arranged to field 17 players in its upcoming pre-Ashes game against New South Wales. Second-string Australian leg-spinner Stuart MacGill responded to the development by saying "That's fucked."


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